Thursday, November 01, 2007

November 1 - The Taxman Cometh!

"What?", I hear you ask. "April 15 is the day of taxation, not November 1."

Au Contraire.

November 1 is the primary collection day for the Official Parental Chocolate Tax. To wit:

Parental Rights and Values Writ, Section 44, Section 2, Paragraphs iii and iv:

"And for every amount of sugar-laden treats, candies, cakes, cookies or dishes acquired by children for being children whether at Christmas time, birthdays, Halloween or other such occasion that the child will be bestowed with aforementioned goodies, each parent will be allowed to consume as much candy or other sweets in the amount necessary to sate their own sweet tooth and/or limit ingestion by children so as to stave off obesity, tooth decay, diabetic shock or excessive sugar rush. At no time shall any child win any argument to retain any morsel that they deem superior nor shall they say "STOP DAD! THAT'S MY LAST CRUNCH BAR!!!" and get any sympathy from either parent.

Furthermore, this levy (known as "Chocolate Tax") may be exacted at any time or place without regard to whether the child has availed himself/herself of the stash in a timely manner. That is, the argument, "I WAS SAVING THAT!!!" is meaningless under this statute. Of course, for maximum effectiveness, specific dates such as November 1, December 25 (afternoon collection) and February 15 should be observed with vigilance."

So, tell the kids to let go of the Crunch bar. It's yours. By law.


Blogger Andy Rupert said...

Yeah, but after eating all that chocolate, my belly's hurting.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Randall said...

Better late than never, right?

I can't evoke this law yet as I don't currently have any children. Instead my wife resorted to buying 2,794 bags of candy between September and October. Somehow we ate them all ourselves before even getting to Halloween, and had to go out and buy three more at the last minute. I think this means we taxed ourselves. And indeed it was quite the burden to bear.

Consequently, a provision should be made to force unsold Halloween candy to be donated to the Sucrosed Adult Persons' Proprietary Edibles Department, or SAPPED for short.

5:45 PM  

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